Now, for the maniac farm, I think there’s no question we’ve gotta go with Utah. Utah. Easy to fence. Easy to fence. Right next to Wyoming and Colorado, and Colorado is right next to Kansas, and that means all four groups of our most amusing citizens are now in one place. Except for the big fences. And I think I have another one of my really good ideas for cable TV: Gates. Small sliding gates in the fences. Think of what you’ve got here. Think of what you’ve got. Predators, degenerates, crackheads, and fruitcakes. Nine hundred miles of fence separating them. Every fifty miles, you put a small sliding gate. But… the gates are only ten inches wide, and they’re only open once a month… for seven seconds. And you know something? Fuck cable; this shit’s gotta be on Pay-Per-View! Because if those gates are only open seven seconds a
month, you are gonna have some mighty interesting people pushing and shoving to be first in line. Deeply disturbed, armed, cranky lunatics on drugs. You know the ones. Lotta tattoos… lotta teeth broken off at the gumline… the true face of America. And every time you open the gates, a few of the more aggressive ones are going to get through. The crème de la crème. The alphas. They’re gonna get through, they’re gonna find each other, and they’re gonna cross-breed. And pretty soon, you’ll have a melting pot. Child-killers, corpse-fuckers, drug zombies, and full-blown whackaloons, wandering the landscape in search of truth and fun. Just like now! Everyone will have guns, everyone will have drugs, and no one will be in charge. Just like now! But at least we’ll have a balanced budget. -George Carlin, Back in Town
